Posts tagged ‘Preemies’

Chit-chat with Dr. P

Elliott Richard had his bi-weekly appointment with Dr. P, aka Patty, last night. It was mainly a Question and Answer session for me and catch up night for her and Elliott Richard.

I had the opportunity to ask a few questions about my circumstances with Sue, my therapist/counselor, since Patty is the Psychologist “in charge of/over-seeing” my case. A few weeks ago Sue had said I was “too smart for therapy” then she asked me “what I hoped to gain from therapy”. To me, this sounded and felt like she was thinking that therapy isn’t going to help me or that she’s in over her head and can’t help me. I really like Sue and I feel like she is a really good match for me. But I don’t have enough time, energy or sanity to spend it seeing a therapist/counselor who is questioning her ability to help me, ya know?

So Patty and I discussed my questions and concerns. And I decided to have a frank conversation with Sue reminding her of the things I need for therapy to be effective etc. Then if nothing changes Patty and I will reconvene and go from there and decide what to do.

Then it was time to catch up on Elliott Richard and what’s been going on there. I told her about his Day Camp and how helpful that has been. How the Day Camp has convinced him that school this Fall is going to be a lot of fun.

The last time Elliott Richard and I had seen Patty we discussed why Elliott Richard appeared to be struggling with sleep and being alone. At the time, she felt that Elliott Richard was having such a difficult time sleeping because he was struggling to be alone. Which makes complete sense because he struggles to even play alone or be alone.

Day Camp is helping him by leaps and bounds with that. He’s sleeping better unless he has a nightmare, which is understandable. But he sleeps better. He’s slowly learning to play alone. He’s always been opinionated but he’s learning better ways to voice his opinions. It’s amazing!

This is the kind of thing, I’ve always dreamed of as a mother. Having the opportunity to watch this kind of change in my son. The opportunity to watch him grow as an individual.

It makes my heart feel good.

I hope and pray that I will have many more experiences like this in the future. It almost makes me feel like…maybe I’m not a complete failure as a mother. Maybe I’m just a little bit better at this parenting gig than I realize.

It gives me hope and just a little bit of faith…in myself as a mother and a parent in general.

* posted on the fly w/o the use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

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Straight Out of the Camera #3

If you would like to join the fun of Straight Out of the Camera just head on over to Jan’s blog Murrieta365. =)

In honor of Father’s Day, I present to you my Straight Out of the Camera.

I took this photo during one of our many trips to the local park recently. I just loved how Daddy has both of his Boys and everyone is walking together, rather than running.

Here’s another one, just because I love it and couldn’t resist posting it. =)

I just love this photo of the Boys. It’s so rare that Mr. Emmett John slows down for any amount of time; so to see them walking together was its own treat. Then for them to hold hands, which Emmett John initiated, was the icing on the cake.

camera: FujiFilm FinePix Z35

Wishcasting Wednesday

It’s been about forever since I’ve participated in Wishcasting Wednesday so I’m going to just start over si  #1. =) Here are the guidelines and whatnot …

You can be a maker of magic and a tender of wishes. It’s easy. Answer the wish prompt above on your blog and then add a direct link to your post in the box below. Support wishes by visiting other participants, leaving a comment saying “As (insert name) wishes for her/himself, so I wish for her/him also.” It’s that simple. There is great power in wishing together.

The Wishcasting Wednesday prompt for this week is:

What do you wish to have?

I wish to have more sanity, more help and support – of all types. I need, I am wishing for more HELP, more SUPPORT. Some back-up.

Autism & Carefully Directed Violence?

Emmett John is a very angry little guy. Understandably so, however, that doesn’t change the fact that he can’t go through life that way. I mean no one wants to be angry forever. Plus he’s so angry with no way to express himself that he lashes out…at me. He doesn’t lash out at anyone else, just me.

It’s crazy. He:

  • hits
  • pinches
  • bites
  • punches
  • scratches
  • slaps

me. Plus he has this scream…it’s horrible. It’s high-pitched, long-winded and just grates…it kills me every time. Especially when I already have a migraine…forget about it.

The physical abuse is what really and truly gets to me though. I don’t know if it’s because of my history with Nick or because he doesn’t abuse anyone else that way. But I’m starting to feel just the least bit unloved.

Now he hits his brothers. But that’s a brotherly-completely- age-appropriate thing, his Help Me Grow Case Manager Tiffany said so. He doesn’t go after them with the vengeance he seems to come after me. He’ll come to me, arms up appearing to be an adorable 22 month old little boy. Then when I pick him up he attacks me! Literally. He begins by punching me in the cheeks, these little baby punches that quickly turn painful. Then he pinches. And it quickly swirls out of control from there. Dr. H had told me to

  1. Tell him “NO” in a stern voice with the “angry Mommy face”.
  2. Put him down.
  3. Walk away and “ignore him” for a bit.

whenever he bites or scratches or hits etc me. Yeah, I do that. It has absolutely no effect whatsoever on him. He doesn’t care. He walks off. Does his own thing until the “punishment” is over. And then is thrilled when I pay attention to him again – since I obviously can’t ignore him forever.

I don’t know what to do.

I am already in muscular pain to some extent everyday of my life from the Fibromyalgia. Then you add a 2 year old (for all intents and purposes) hurting and injuring me on top of that, at every available opportunity. I don’t know if I can survive that.

I’m already so far over my limit. I’m so close to my person edge. I don’t know if I can take much more. I know there are sensory issues at play here. I know he can’t talk and really can’t communicate for all intents and purposes and that much frustrate and anger him but I can’t continue to be his outlet for that anger and frustration. It hurts too badly.

Perhaps I should feel loved that he turns to me Or honored that I’m the one he chooses? But I don’t. I just hurt. I’m tired of my doctors looking at the injuries he inflicts and thinking I’m self-injuring – because I know that’s what they think. I tell them where the injuries came from – they don’t believe me. I’m not stupid. I can read their expressions and the fact that they are feverishly taking notes but never again mention the marks and injuries.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know how to stop him. I don’t know how to get him to stop any of these dangerous and negative behaviors. He fell down the stairs – most people would have some degree of fear or apprehension about going up and down the stairs after a fall like that. Not Mr. Emmett John. He just keeps screwing around on the stairs. We. Can’t. Get. Him. To. Stop. We are consistent. We are strict – as “strict” as possible with a 22 month old. We say “No”. We do everything we are supposed to do but it doesn’t work.

I don’t know what to do.

Moody Monday

I seem to be favoring the photo memes at the moment. Today’s is Moody Monday. The premise is simple: I take a picture (either a new picture or one I’ve already taken) and I post it to my blog as long as it fits the mood for the week.

The theme mood for this week is:

Distant

I chose this picture of Mr. Emmett John because with his Autism he is distant.

camera: Blackberry CURVE 8330 2MP

Update!

Update to the Update

I originally wrote this update on the WordPress Application on my BlackBerry hours ago; but WordPress and my phone apparently aren’t speaking to each other at the moment. So I had to email it to myself and post it this way. Sorry for the delay.

End of Update to the Update

We’re home! =)

Emmett John was in and out of the ER in no time at all. They were debating putting him in a trauma room and doing a full trauma work up – blood work, brain scans, the whole kit and caboodle. In the end the doctor opted to check Emmett John out first and go from there since he hadn’t passed out at any point in time and he wasn’t vomiting. Thank God. All of Emmett John’s vital signs were normal. And everything checked out A-okay! =) All told, they were gone maybe an hour tops and Grandma G dropped me off so I was there with Daddy and Mr. Emmett John for the last 10 or 15 minutes or so.

I’m just relieved that he’s okay. I was so terrified, words don’t adequately describe how I felt. I try later when I can type on my Netbook rather than my Blackberry. (My fingers are cramping up. Lol)

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers!

Thank you Grandma G for your help with Elliott Richard and Gavin!

Below are pictures of the boo-boos. They aren’t very good because Mr. Emmett John is very wiggly. I’ll try to post a more detailed account.

Update to the Update Part 2
The pictures will come in a few minutes but not right away. Sorry.

You can’t see the bruises under his bangs really well.

Don’t rock my boat

Seriously, don’t. I’ve got enough going on in my life at the moment.

Gavin’s meds aren’t working, which you know if you still read Rob’s blog. I think you do. Dr. R wants to switch him to Lithium. I don’t want to go to Lithium. I don’t see where we have a choice.

We have Help Me Grow coming on Monday to do their unofficial evaluation of Emmett John. This is where they tell us if he is Autistic or not. I feel like I could grab the lady who works in the local day care. After all, she works with kids all days too. That doesn’t mean she is educated or should be evaluating children for Autism. Yet, the Children’s Hospital is waiting for Help Me Grow’s eval to help decide if they will evaluate Emmett John. You know, my 22 month old who still doesn’t speak.

Emmett John still doesn’t speak. He’s still angry. Developmentally he’s in two groups – he’s either right where he should be or he’s stuck some where between 9 to 12 months. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t point. I can’t figure out how this happened.

Elliott Richard is stuck in the middle. He stands to lose his childhood – either protecting himself from Gavin or protecting Emmett John from Gavin. Or there are the rare times that he plays big brother to Gavin. He’s 4 years old and if we don’t fight for it, he may never get to be a kid. His childhood may become a casualty of war.

My migraines are worse. I’m reaching the limit on my Topamax. It isn’t working anyway, so what does it matter? Dr. J has increased my pain meds and added an anti-inflammatory that I can’t pronounce, which I should only take when I can’t take it anymore. He’s ordered bloodwork and an MRI. I should take my new meds but I don’t. I scared. I don’t want to end up like House – addicted and crazy, seeing people who aren’t there. I just don’t want to end up crazy. I’m all full up on crazy. I’ve had enough of my life being filled up with everyone else’s crazy.

Rob and I are fighting. Not over anything. Just over everything. Big. Little. Everything. Nothing at all. We’re stressed. Over-whelmed. Taking it out on the only safe place we have. Each other.

We’re all surviving. Just barely. Bobbing along in a little lifeboat. Some days the waters are calm and survival is easier. Other days, it sucks. I’m not gonna lie. The boat rocks. we take on more water than we can bail out. There are days our little boat nearly capsizes altogether, but for the grace of God. I don’t  know how we survive at all sometimes.

We have so much going on. Too much going on. Too much in our tiny little lifeboat. Don’t rock it. Things happen. We may not like them. We may not understand them. They may suck in a major way. Believe me when I say I know this. But don’t rock the damn boat. Maybe the things that we do…the decisions that we make…are for the best interests of everyone…perhaps they are based upon things not everyone knows about…maybe my last act, my last decision was made out of love.

I’m just tired. Life is so precarious in our tiny little boat. We work so hard for our tiny bits of stability. Now we have…this. This drama. This wondering. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. Keep it to yourself.

Don’t. Rock. My. Boat.