Posts tagged ‘Depression’

Preparing for the future

When I was with my ex-husband, Nick, and I had Gavin, his parents purchased life insurance for him. I didn’t understand why at the time. It seemed so morbid to me, preparing for your child’s possible demise. Then when Nick and I split and the policy was allowed to lapse and eventually close altogether, I began to thinking about insurance and life insurance in earnest.

When Rob and I moved in together, he made sure we both had at least a bit of life insurance. Of course, we had our car insurance, renter’s insurance and then the little private policies on the expensive electronics Rob loves so much. But life insurance? What was the deal? I would learn soon enough.

We had some very basic life insurance on each other; in case of something horrible. That way we’d at least have enough for a small service and that was good enough at the time. Then my health made a drastic turn for the worse. One doctor told me I was “24 with the body of an 89-year-old”. Life insurance was going to be next to impossible to get now! They require physicals; Rob and I both knew I wouldn’t pass one. Who wants to cover someone with Fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, GERD and IBS?

Then to make matters even more complicated, we ended up on public assistance again. With public assistance you aren’t permitted to have whole life insurance because you can draw money out against the policy. They view that money as cash. We needed the insurance but we needed to find decent coverage that fit all of our needs. It was a nightmare!

In the end, we manged to get our insurance agent to find something that worked for us and with us. Thank God!

Brought to you by your friends at America Life Quotes!

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The preferred parent

Children go through life in phases. Some phases are obvious and a given; the infant phase and toddler phase, for instance. Other phases are unique; which television shows they are hooked on or if they go through an orange food phase. The other two phases every child is likely to bounce between for many years are the Mommy Phase and the Daddy Phase.

The Mommy Phase is when the infant, toddler or child is about all things mommy. Mother and child appear joined at the hip. Where Mommy goes; so does the child. Mommy is the only one who is acceptable in life for fulfilling any of the day-to-day needs. Hungry? Ask mommy. Wet or dirty and in need of a diaper change? Find mommy. Tired? Only mommy will do. It isn’t that I’m any better at any of those things than Daddy. It’s just that I’m the preferred parent at that point in time.

The Daddy Phase is the exact same phase only the roles are reversed. Rather than being the preferred parent for every action, outing and need; Rob is. For all things in life, during the Daddy Phase, only he will do. No substitutions accepted.

While you would think that I would be grateful for a Daddy Phase because it allows a certain amount of extra “me time”; it doesn’t always work out that way. There is something rather insulting with a sense of abandonment about the Daddy Phase. Suddenly, overnight at times, it seems as if I am no longer good enough. The food I prepare is sub-par. The bedtime stories I’ve chosen aren’t long enough or funny enough. Sometimes it seems the things I say and do…well, the Boys seem to take them offensively. It’s heartbreaking to watch them prefers someone else, even if that “someone else” happens to be Rob.

Unfortunately, there aren’t many ways to get over things when I’m not the chosen parent. It’s simply one of those things I just have to move past. Unless of course I’d rather share my feelings with another mother, who is likely to understand. Either way, there really isn’t much I can do about the phase.

I know I should recognize the unseen benefit and enjoy the little bit of extra time I am being offered, while it lasts; especially since I always seem to be complaining about how little “me time” I’ve allowed. Plus, I know that all too quickly, I am going to find myself the object of obsession and soon I’ll be wishing for that extra “me time”. But for now, it’s hard.

It hurts me to hear Emmett John scream “Da” and “Daddy” over and over again. Knowing that he doesn’t say “Ma” or “Mommy”. He doesn’t call me anything. I know I shouldn’t allow it to get to me this way. I know it’s a phase and “This too shall pass.” But damnit, it does!

And now that I’ve vented and whined and had my little pitty party, I think I’ll go try and pay the bills with some blogging related stuff.

I see dust…

…where once there was a wagon.

That’s how long ago and how hard I’ve fallen off my wagon. (lol) I’ve been living on that list of things in my previous post. I could say it’s because things have been stressful or my depression or “I didn’t want it all to go to waste.” And while all of those things are true to one degree or another, I fell off because I made the decision to fall throw myself from the wagon.

A large part of my problem with the diet changes I need and want to instill are the Boys. They need a diet over-haul as much as I do; not to lose weight but to simply eat healthier. However, they aren’t going to understand or like the changes. I don’t want to keep living like we run a cafeteria every meal – fixing different things for Rob and I than them. So I need to find a way to change everyone’s diet without continuing the Cafeteria Lifestyle but while taking into account the different dietary needs. And without adding more stress to my already seriously stressful life because that will just be setting myself up to fail.

I need to find a good, FREE (no money in our budget for places like Weight Watchers etc), tried and true method to plan our meals and make the changes to our diet.

If anyone happens to know one, could you please share it with me. Please! =)

Honesty: My Life: Depression

I feel like I owe everyone an explanation pertaining to my cryptic and depressing posts lately. I don’t have one to offer. I’m at the end of my rope right now. I’m completely spent with nothing in the reserves. I keep trying. Trying to live up to the “Lizze is so strong; she’ll make it through.” belief. Trying to be this person everyone believes me to be. So strong. Such a survivor. It’s exhausting.

Then you add everything I have coming up that needs to be done and/or taken care of. There’s Emmett John’s eval with his Case Manager at Therapy. Emmett John’s 2 year check-up. Then we’ve got his appointments with the Genetist, the Gastroenterologist, and the Dentist. All the boys are going to the dentist in the beginning of August. I’m going to my dentist in a few weeks and that freaks me out more than words can express. I need to see my own Gastroenterologist next week. On top of Elliott Richard’s Day Camp Tuesday, Wednesday and  Thursday next week.

On top of that, there’s the day-to-day things going on here. Emmett John screaming almost all day because that’s how he communicates. Elliott Richard crying and whining when he’s here because Emmett John is abusing him in some manner. Gavin throwing a fit or a temper tantrum or an all-out down and dirty meltdown. The best days are when we have all three going at once. Those are the days I end up in the bathroom ugly crying with my hands over my ears to try to block it all out.

I mean I can’t imagine why I’m exhausted. When you take those two sets of things into account; it’s enough to do most people in. But I’m still trying to process:

My Family Feud: The 9 months without contact with my parents.

My Head-Fuck: The whole Mary doesn’t want anything to do with me. No wait! She wants to be my Mother now. No No No! That’s not it. She wants to play head-fuck games with me before she tells me she doesn’t want anything to do with me again by not speaking to me anymore.

My Super Sized Head-Fuck Value Meal: The parting gift from Mother Mary of her lies fucking with my relationship with Trisha the Sista! Trisha and I didn’t speak for a month because I was naive and fell for Mary’s sack of shit (aka mouthful of lies) about Trish.

Specialist Dujour: Between Gavin, Emmett John and myself we are putting together a nice collection of specialists. Each with their own orders. Each with their own requests. And each with their own set of worries.

School: School starts the Tuesday after Labor Day. I am President of the PTA again, which has its own set of stressors. Gavin has outgrown all of his school clothes and uniforms!! So we have to replace all of that along with his shoes.

School, again: Then there’s Elliott Richard and pre-school. I’m trying desperately to get him into the Catholic School that is hosting his Day Camp. To get him in the way we had planned and hoped, would require something in the neighborhood of 60-80 hours of Community Service to Our School per school year. That’s for pre-school and kindergarten. But who am I kidding? There’s no way for us to be able to pull off that many hours of Community Service!!!!  Now there is a grant I can apply for to pay his tuition starting in 1st grade BUT if he is enrolled in the school (like I want him to be) for Kindergarten then we aren’t ineligible for the grant!!!!!

So yeah, there are about a million things swirling around inside my head at any given moment. I’m having dreams that my teeth fall out and sometimes they just start peeling apart inside my mouth. I dream that I have to go to the Psych-Ward because I’m so overwhelmed.

All the tennis balls called life that I’ve been working so diligently to keep in the air; are coming down, one at a time and they are konking me on the head on the way down.

Untitled

I don’t have much to post at the moment. While I’m in the mood to blog I just don’t have the energy or the drive right now.

I did want to be sure that my beloved friends (in real life and online alike) and family know that while I am very depressed and overwhelmed right now, I am not a danger to myself. I promise.

* posted on the fly w/o the use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

Wishcasting Wednesday

How ironic that this week’s Wishcasting Wednesday question is:

What do you wish for your well-being?

I wish I weren’t drowning in this depression and having a nervous breakdown because of it.

My own worst enemy

I am my own worst enemy in this quest for a healthier life.

My vices are pop, chocolate, baked goods and chips. Oh, and fast food! Fast food and pop are probably tied for 1st with chocolate coming in at a very close 2nd.

I so desperately want to make this Life Style Change! I know I’m not going to like it at first but it’s what’s best for me. It might even help my pain and migraines and whatnot. But I’m setting myself up for failure!

I’m depressed. I’ve been diagnosed as clinically depressed when I was a teenager and then again as an adult. It’s something I’ve always dealt with. I’m currently on medication for it but with everything we have going on in our lives, eating is a comfort.

Okay, so I’m always depressed. This is different; it’s a drowning depression. It’s getting worse and I don’t know that my medications are working. Which amounts to me only wanting to eat. Not just meals eating. Eating all the time…

√: Breakfast

√:Lunch

√:Dinner

√:Snack

√:Night-time Snack

√:Midnight Snack

√:Finish eating what the Boys don’t eat

√:Snack while I cook for the Boys

My original goal was to officially begin the change on July 1st, which kind of stinks because my birthday is July 18th. But this is too important to put off for another month. Now, with this depression threatening to take me down, I just don’t know.

With that said, I’m going to go eat my PaPa Bear’s Pizza Oven Pizza and fried chicken with jo-jo potatoes. Yeah, that’ll help. =(