Posts tagged ‘Clinical Depression’

Preparing for the future

When I was with my ex-husband, Nick, and I had Gavin, his parents purchased life insurance for him. I didn’t understand why at the time. It seemed so morbid to me, preparing for your child’s possible demise. Then when Nick and I split and the policy was allowed to lapse and eventually close altogether, I began to thinking about insurance and life insurance in earnest.

When Rob and I moved in together, he made sure we both had at least a bit of life insurance. Of course, we had our car insurance, renter’s insurance and then the little private policies on the expensive electronics Rob loves so much. But life insurance? What was the deal? I would learn soon enough.

We had some very basic life insurance on each other; in case of something horrible. That way we’d at least have enough for a small service and that was good enough at the time. Then my health made a drastic turn for the worse. One doctor told me I was “24 with the body of an 89-year-old”. Life insurance was going to be next to impossible to get now! They require physicals; Rob and I both knew I wouldn’t pass one. Who wants to cover someone with Fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, GERD and IBS?

Then to make matters even more complicated, we ended up on public assistance again. With public assistance you aren’t permitted to have whole life insurance because you can draw money out against the policy. They view that money as cash. We needed the insurance but we needed to find decent coverage that fit all of our needs. It was a nightmare!

In the end, we manged to get our insurance agent to find something that worked for us and with us. Thank God!

Brought to you by your friends at America Life Quotes!

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Honesty: My Life: Depression

I feel like I owe everyone an explanation pertaining to my cryptic and depressing posts lately. I don’t have one to offer. I’m at the end of my rope right now. I’m completely spent with nothing in the reserves. I keep trying. Trying to live up to the “Lizze is so strong; she’ll make it through.” belief. Trying to be this person everyone believes me to be. So strong. Such a survivor. It’s exhausting.

Then you add everything I have coming up that needs to be done and/or taken care of. There’s Emmett John’s eval with his Case Manager at Therapy. Emmett John’s 2 year check-up. Then we’ve got his appointments with the Genetist, the Gastroenterologist, and the Dentist. All the boys are going to the dentist in the beginning of August. I’m going to my dentist in a few weeks and that freaks me out more than words can express. I need to see my own Gastroenterologist next week. On top of Elliott Richard’s Day Camp Tuesday, Wednesday and  Thursday next week.

On top of that, there’s the day-to-day things going on here. Emmett John screaming almost all day because that’s how he communicates. Elliott Richard crying and whining when he’s here because Emmett John is abusing him in some manner. Gavin throwing a fit or a temper tantrum or an all-out down and dirty meltdown. The best days are when we have all three going at once. Those are the days I end up in the bathroom ugly crying with my hands over my ears to try to block it all out.

I mean I can’t imagine why I’m exhausted. When you take those two sets of things into account; it’s enough to do most people in. But I’m still trying to process:

My Family Feud: The 9 months without contact with my parents.

My Head-Fuck: The whole Mary doesn’t want anything to do with me. No wait! She wants to be my Mother now. No No No! That’s not it. She wants to play head-fuck games with me before she tells me she doesn’t want anything to do with me again by not speaking to me anymore.

My Super Sized Head-Fuck Value Meal: The parting gift from Mother Mary of her lies fucking with my relationship with Trisha the Sista! Trisha and I didn’t speak for a month because I was naive and fell for Mary’s sack of shit (aka mouthful of lies) about Trish.

Specialist Dujour: Between Gavin, Emmett John and myself we are putting together a nice collection of specialists. Each with their own orders. Each with their own requests. And each with their own set of worries.

School: School starts the Tuesday after Labor Day. I am President of the PTA again, which has its own set of stressors. Gavin has outgrown all of his school clothes and uniforms!! So we have to replace all of that along with his shoes.

School, again: Then there’s Elliott Richard and pre-school. I’m trying desperately to get him into the Catholic School that is hosting his Day Camp. To get him in the way we had planned and hoped, would require something in the neighborhood of 60-80 hours of Community Service to Our School per school year. That’s for pre-school and kindergarten. But who am I kidding? There’s no way for us to be able to pull off that many hours of Community Service!!!!  Now there is a grant I can apply for to pay his tuition starting in 1st grade BUT if he is enrolled in the school (like I want him to be) for Kindergarten then we aren’t ineligible for the grant!!!!!

So yeah, there are about a million things swirling around inside my head at any given moment. I’m having dreams that my teeth fall out and sometimes they just start peeling apart inside my mouth. I dream that I have to go to the Psych-Ward because I’m so overwhelmed.

All the tennis balls called life that I’ve been working so diligently to keep in the air; are coming down, one at a time and they are konking me on the head on the way down.

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I don’t have much to post at the moment. While I’m in the mood to blog I just don’t have the energy or the drive right now.

I did want to be sure that my beloved friends (in real life and online alike) and family know that while I am very depressed and overwhelmed right now, I am not a danger to myself. I promise.

* posted on the fly w/o the use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

Wishcasting Wednesday

How ironic that this week’s Wishcasting Wednesday question is:

What do you wish for your well-being?

I wish I weren’t drowning in this depression and having a nervous breakdown because of it.

depressed

i am depressed. a doctor once diagnosed me “clinically depressed”, which i guess is just a fancy way of saying “shes been depressed since just about forever.” i was going to write a big long post. but i cant. i dont have the energy and i just dont care to anymore.

Howdy Howdy Howdy

Welcome to Ewe’s Not FAT, Ewe’s Just Fluffy! =)

My name is Lizze. Some of you may know me from my other blog Daily Mommy Survival. Some of you may not. Either way, thanks for stopping by.

Anywho, where was I? Ah yes, I’m Lizze. I’m about to turn 30 in a few weeks. I’ve been married to my darling husband for almost 7 years but we’ve been together for 9 years. We have 3 wonderful boys ages 10, 4 and 2. A dog and 3 cats.

I have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and possibly Narcolepsy (they are still trying to figure that one out). I also have chronic migraine headaches, which require Depakote to attempt to prevent. The best part about the Depakote is the fact that it causes me to gain weight. (That was sarcasm, by the way. I tend to be very sarcastic. lol)

Between the Depakote, left over baggage from 3 pregnancies – 2 of them on complete bed rest – and my complete lack of physical activity…I still look 4-5 months pregnant! This is unacceptable. So I started this blog to track my journey to a healthier, skinny me. =)