Posts tagged ‘Adoption’

Honesty: My Story: Dear Mary,

Dear Mary,

I watched Glee tonight with Rob. I *heart* Glee! It’s one of, if not my absolute favorite non-cop/criminal related shows. Tonight part of the plot was about Rachel and her search for her birth mother who gave her up for adoption to a gay couple. Only it wasn’t so much Rachel’s search as it was Rachel’s Birth Mother’s desire to know her daughter.

I used to daydream about a reunion like that for us. You would look for me. Then we would be reunited. And have a happy reunion. A  happy relationship. Sure, it would be bumpy at first and bumpy at times because all relationships are sometimes. We would be okay though. We would still be family though.

What I don’t understand is; twice now in my life, you’ve pretended you wanted to know me. Twice now you’ve started to get to know me. The second time you went so far as to meet my family. Only to blow me off in the end.

That’s right, twice now you’ve done this to me! What the hell???? What is so wrong with me? Why is it that you said that you would get rid of my other three siblings if that’s what it took to keep me away from you? You blow me off and I don’t bother you. I don’t talk to you. I don’t have anything to do with you once you blow me off. I pretend as if you don’t exist. You are dead to me. I only speak your name to my sister, my husband or my therapist when I’m trying to make sense of your insanity. Something that’s truly pointless to do because really I’m a sane person seeking to make sense of the insane. Although this actually brings me to something I need to speak with you about.

You blew me off. You cut me out of your life over some imagined thing I had done. Not to you, mind you but to Trisha or Charissa – you weren’t sure which. The last thing you said to me on the phone was:

Me: I’m not going to keep defending myself when it doesn’t do any good and all it does is anger you more.

You: I can’t talk to you anymore! I’ll call you back when I’m not so angry!

Then you hung up on me. That was 2 or 3 days before Easter and you still haven’t called me back. Despite the fact that I had called you a few times and you ignored my calls. I had texted you a few times as well – all ignored. The only text you didn’t ignore was the “Happy Easter” text I sent mostly out of some sick sense of guilt because technically you are my “mother” and “I should”. I didn’t expect a response. Imagine my surprise when I received “Same to you”. I guess technically that was the last thing you ever said to me – “Same to you”.

I hate you for that. For getting my hopes up the second time. I fought against it. Especially because I had Rob and Trisha this time. I didn’t have that kind of protection the first time around. But this time, I had the benefit of Rob to back me up and pick me up when I fell – and I did. I also had the benefit of Trisha’s lifetime of experiences with you. Even with all that, I still got my hopes up. Between text messages, your willingness to help with Gavin, the few times you took me to breakfast…Can I just talk about those few times we had breakfast or lunch together?

I was like a star-struck kid. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I was sure that if I made one wrong move you would write me off again because I had embarrassed you or because of some other unknown slight. I even opened up to you about this when we were sitting in the Cafeteria at the Children’s Hospital while Emmett John had his ABR. Do you remember what you said? You said that I couldn’t say the wrong thing or make the wrong move. That I was worrying about nothing and I should stop. Yeah, that worked out well for me, didn’t it? You wrote me off in the end anyway.

I’m going out of order here but it’s my letter and I’ll do what I want to. Besides, let’s be honest for a moment. You read Rob’s blog. You don’t read mine. If you did, you wouldn’t be pumping my sister for information about Emmett John after he fell down the stairs because both Rob and I posted updates. But I digress.

The first time around, I admit my hopes were up from Go! There was no way they wouldn’t be. You were my birth mother. I had been searching for you for 4 years! Posting my information on every free Adoption Registry I could find. Doing anything that looked like it might be the slightest bit helpful to an adoptee searching for her birth family. If another adoptee had told me to dance by the light of a silvery moon and you would appear, full of love and thrilled to see me…I’d have done it.

I didn’t have any protection the first time. I had an ex-mother-in-law who didn’t understand why you mattered. And I had an adoptive family who either hated me for hurting my Adopto-Mom or simply hated me because they viewed what I was doing as an attack on the family. Like they weren’t good enough. A few of them were bold enough to vocalize their opinions – painfully so. Most kept their opinions to themselves and just gave me “looks”. Again, like most things in my life, the only one who even tried to understand me, my motivations, my emotions, or anything else was my Auntie Paula.

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Honesty: My Story: Mary

Day sucks! I couldn’t sleep last night or nap today. I’m nauseous & can’t eat. I have a migraine which I think is part of the eating issue – but part of it is just indepentent nausea. I’m a mess over this stupid mary mess.

I have ADHD. So I have the whole thinking a lot and too fast issue anyway. Then I have OCD, which makes stuff like this worse because the ADHD gets my mind going a zillion miles an hour and the OCD makes me obsess endlessly about whatever the issue is. So I couldn’t sleep last night because between the ADHD and OCD I couldn’t get my brain to shut the Hell up and shut off!

I’m tired of this mess. I’m tired of the amount of unfinished posts that are taking up space because I keep trying to purge and stopping half way through. I’m tired of Mary. The movie was Wrong! there isn’t something about Mary. She’s just a mean, cruel, heartless, wench.

I can’t believe that she is effecting me lthis way.

I hate her.

There are few people on this planet I actually hate – I may say it in anger – but there are few people it actually applies to. SHE is one of them.

Mary, I hate you.

I hate you for what you did to me, for what you did to my sons, for what you did to my husband, for what you did to my brother, for you’ve done to all of us.

Mike is far more forgiving than I am. If you want forgiveness and empathy see Him. You won’t find it here. I think you are insane. I don’t know if you will go to Hell for your sins – for which there are many – but I do know you will be judged for cutting us out of your life, hurting us and how you did it. It was cold and souless. Trying to keep up religious lies and appearances isn’t a good enough reason for what you’ve done.

For the record, when I tell Father L *My Story* it will be *My Story*. The fact that it includes you is an unfortunate fact of genetics. If you don’t like the fact that I will be going to *my* priest with *my* story to hopefully get help dealing with the emotional disaster I’ve become – all I can tell you is oh flipping well.

Get over it.

I have to.

I’ve been DISCOVERED!

Not in the lame “American Idol” sort of way either. No, this is much cooler than that!

As it turns out,

I. Have. An. Older. BROTHER!

How crazy is that?! Yeah, I know. I’ve known for about a week now and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. I think it’s very cool though.

His family is absolutely gorgeous! I’ll post more about the whole story later but I want to get his okay first. =)

I just wanted to share the news. Pretty cool, huh? =)