Posts from the ‘God/Prayer’ Category

And away we go!

Of course, on my totally booked solid day I wake up at 3am unable to sleep. After I did some laundry and grabbed a snack I finally fall back to sleep only to have Mr. Emmett John wake up at 4am and refuse to go back to sleep. It’s now 6am and I’m going back to sleep for a few hours. Emmett John still refuses to sleep.

Please pray that he isn’t a complete and total Grumpy Gus from lack of sleep and having his scheule thrown off.

* posted on the fly w/o the use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

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Happy 4th of July!

Gavin, Trisha the Sista and will be spending the beginning of ours in the local Children’s Hospital.

Gavin was searching through the toybox this morning and in his search he poked/speared himself in the right eye with a large piece of plastic race track. Once he stopped screaming and flailing long enough for me to look at it the slice in his cornea was plain as day.

So off we go. I’ll update as I am able. Please send up some prayers because this is going to require that he be restrained at some point.

* posted on the fly w/o the use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

The flu from Hell

Okay, so yesterday was spent nauseous and queasy. Last night was spent attempting to sleep and praying that I wouldn’t get sick again. This morning was also spent attempting to sleep and praying that I wouldn’t get sick again. Or at the very least, if I did get sick again, that I would make it to the bathroom in time. (I hate not making it to the bathroom in time!)

Imagine my surprise, although really I don’t know why, when I woke up at 1:30p from my…nap?…restless night’s sleep?…to find that my body is now adding insult to injury with a case of full body hives!

I itch like mad!

My Benadryl isn’t taking effect fast enough.

And I declare SHENANIGANS! on this flu!!

Chit-chat with Dr. P

Elliott Richard had his bi-weekly appointment with Dr. P, aka Patty, last night. It was mainly a Question and Answer session for me and catch up night for her and Elliott Richard.

I had the opportunity to ask a few questions about my circumstances with Sue, my therapist/counselor, since Patty is the Psychologist “in charge of/over-seeing” my case. A few weeks ago Sue had said I was “too smart for therapy” then she asked me “what I hoped to gain from therapy”. To me, this sounded and felt like she was thinking that therapy isn’t going to help me or that she’s in over her head and can’t help me. I really like Sue and I feel like she is a really good match for me. But I don’t have enough time, energy or sanity to spend it seeing a therapist/counselor who is questioning her ability to help me, ya know?

So Patty and I discussed my questions and concerns. And I decided to have a frank conversation with Sue reminding her of the things I need for therapy to be effective etc. Then if nothing changes Patty and I will reconvene and go from there and decide what to do.

Then it was time to catch up on Elliott Richard and what’s been going on there. I told her about his Day Camp and how helpful that has been. How the Day Camp has convinced him that school this Fall is going to be a lot of fun.

The last time Elliott Richard and I had seen Patty we discussed why Elliott Richard appeared to be struggling with sleep and being alone. At the time, she felt that Elliott Richard was having such a difficult time sleeping because he was struggling to be alone. Which makes complete sense because he struggles to even play alone or be alone.

Day Camp is helping him by leaps and bounds with that. He’s sleeping better unless he has a nightmare, which is understandable. But he sleeps better. He’s slowly learning to play alone. He’s always been opinionated but he’s learning better ways to voice his opinions. It’s amazing!

This is the kind of thing, I’ve always dreamed of as a mother. Having the opportunity to watch this kind of change in my son. The opportunity to watch him grow as an individual.

It makes my heart feel good.

I hope and pray that I will have many more experiences like this in the future. It almost makes me feel like…maybe I’m not a complete failure as a mother. Maybe I’m just a little bit better at this parenting gig than I realize.

It gives me hope and just a little bit of faith…in myself as a mother and a parent in general.

* posted on the fly w/o the use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

Honesty: My Story: Dear Mary,

Dear Mary,

I watched Glee tonight with Rob. I *heart* Glee! It’s one of, if not my absolute favorite non-cop/criminal related shows. Tonight part of the plot was about Rachel and her search for her birth mother who gave her up for adoption to a gay couple. Only it wasn’t so much Rachel’s search as it was Rachel’s Birth Mother’s desire to know her daughter.

I used to daydream about a reunion like that for us. You would look for me. Then we would be reunited. And have a happy reunion. A  happy relationship. Sure, it would be bumpy at first and bumpy at times because all relationships are sometimes. We would be okay though. We would still be family though.

What I don’t understand is; twice now in my life, you’ve pretended you wanted to know me. Twice now you’ve started to get to know me. The second time you went so far as to meet my family. Only to blow me off in the end.

That’s right, twice now you’ve done this to me! What the hell???? What is so wrong with me? Why is it that you said that you would get rid of my other three siblings if that’s what it took to keep me away from you? You blow me off and I don’t bother you. I don’t talk to you. I don’t have anything to do with you once you blow me off. I pretend as if you don’t exist. You are dead to me. I only speak your name to my sister, my husband or my therapist when I’m trying to make sense of your insanity. Something that’s truly pointless to do because really I’m a sane person seeking to make sense of the insane. Although this actually brings me to something I need to speak with you about.

You blew me off. You cut me out of your life over some imagined thing I had done. Not to you, mind you but to Trisha or Charissa – you weren’t sure which. The last thing you said to me on the phone was:

Me: I’m not going to keep defending myself when it doesn’t do any good and all it does is anger you more.

You: I can’t talk to you anymore! I’ll call you back when I’m not so angry!

Then you hung up on me. That was 2 or 3 days before Easter and you still haven’t called me back. Despite the fact that I had called you a few times and you ignored my calls. I had texted you a few times as well – all ignored. The only text you didn’t ignore was the “Happy Easter” text I sent mostly out of some sick sense of guilt because technically you are my “mother” and “I should”. I didn’t expect a response. Imagine my surprise when I received “Same to you”. I guess technically that was the last thing you ever said to me – “Same to you”.

I hate you for that. For getting my hopes up the second time. I fought against it. Especially because I had Rob and Trisha this time. I didn’t have that kind of protection the first time around. But this time, I had the benefit of Rob to back me up and pick me up when I fell – and I did. I also had the benefit of Trisha’s lifetime of experiences with you. Even with all that, I still got my hopes up. Between text messages, your willingness to help with Gavin, the few times you took me to breakfast…Can I just talk about those few times we had breakfast or lunch together?

I was like a star-struck kid. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing. I was sure that if I made one wrong move you would write me off again because I had embarrassed you or because of some other unknown slight. I even opened up to you about this when we were sitting in the Cafeteria at the Children’s Hospital while Emmett John had his ABR. Do you remember what you said? You said that I couldn’t say the wrong thing or make the wrong move. That I was worrying about nothing and I should stop. Yeah, that worked out well for me, didn’t it? You wrote me off in the end anyway.

I’m going out of order here but it’s my letter and I’ll do what I want to. Besides, let’s be honest for a moment. You read Rob’s blog. You don’t read mine. If you did, you wouldn’t be pumping my sister for information about Emmett John after he fell down the stairs because both Rob and I posted updates. But I digress.

The first time around, I admit my hopes were up from Go! There was no way they wouldn’t be. You were my birth mother. I had been searching for you for 4 years! Posting my information on every free Adoption Registry I could find. Doing anything that looked like it might be the slightest bit helpful to an adoptee searching for her birth family. If another adoptee had told me to dance by the light of a silvery moon and you would appear, full of love and thrilled to see me…I’d have done it.

I didn’t have any protection the first time. I had an ex-mother-in-law who didn’t understand why you mattered. And I had an adoptive family who either hated me for hurting my Adopto-Mom or simply hated me because they viewed what I was doing as an attack on the family. Like they weren’t good enough. A few of them were bold enough to vocalize their opinions – painfully so. Most kept their opinions to themselves and just gave me “looks”. Again, like most things in my life, the only one who even tried to understand me, my motivations, my emotions, or anything else was my Auntie Paula.

Read more…

Ready or not…

And I’m not ready. Mr. Emmett John’s initial appointment with his Neuro-Developmental Pediatrician is today at 12:30pm. We’ve been waiting for about a month for this appointment but it feels like we’ve been waiting so much longer than that. Now that the day is here, I’m not ready.

(I tried to post this from my phone on Monday while we waited for the nurse to take us back for his appointment with Dr. Dela but it didn’t work. So now the date on it may be showing as Wednesday, June 22nd, but I assure you he doesn’t see Dr. Dela again until October. Just an FYI.)

* posted on the fly w/o the use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

Oh boy!

Gavin and I are currently sitting at the local Stat Care waiting for his turn. What appeared to be oddly placed exzema yesterday has turned into a painful rash with pustules and bright red skin. It began between his left middle and ring fingers and now it’s migrating over to between his index and middle fingers as well.

I have no idea what it is. He says it’s really painful – and it looks like it is.

Please pray that oral antibiotics fix it.

Here we go! …

(PS There is a bird repeatedly flying into our window. We giggled at first. Now its just sad. =( )

* posted on the fly w/o use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann