I feel like I owe everyone an explanation pertaining to my cryptic and depressing posts lately. I don’t have one to offer. I’m at the end of my rope right now. I’m completely spent with nothing in the reserves. I keep trying. Trying to live up to the “Lizze is so strong; she’ll make it through.” belief. Trying to be this person everyone believes me to be. So strong. Such a survivor. It’s exhausting.

Then you add everything I have coming up that needs to be done and/or taken care of. There’s Emmett John’s eval with his Case Manager at Therapy. Emmett John’s 2 year check-up. Then we’ve got his appointments with the Genetist, the Gastroenterologist, and the Dentist. All the boys are going to the dentist in the beginning of August. I’m going to my dentist in a few weeks and that freaks me out more than words can express. I need to see my own Gastroenterologist next week. On top of Elliott Richard’s Day Camp Tuesday, Wednesday and  Thursday next week.

On top of that, there’s the day-to-day things going on here. Emmett John screaming almost all day because that’s how he communicates. Elliott Richard crying and whining when he’s here because Emmett John is abusing him in some manner. Gavin throwing a fit or a temper tantrum or an all-out down and dirty meltdown. The best days are when we have all three going at once. Those are the days I end up in the bathroom ugly crying with my hands over my ears to try to block it all out.

I mean I can’t imagine why I’m exhausted. When you take those two sets of things into account; it’s enough to do most people in. But I’m still trying to process:

My Family Feud: The 9 months without contact with my parents.

My Head-Fuck: The whole Mary doesn’t want anything to do with me. No wait! She wants to be my Mother now. No No No! That’s not it. She wants to play head-fuck games with me before she tells me she doesn’t want anything to do with me again by not speaking to me anymore.

My Super Sized Head-Fuck Value Meal: The parting gift from Mother Mary of her lies fucking with my relationship with Trisha the Sista! Trisha and I didn’t speak for a month because I was naive and fell for Mary’s sack of shit (aka mouthful of lies) about Trish.

Specialist Dujour: Between Gavin, Emmett John and myself we are putting together a nice collection of specialists. Each with their own orders. Each with their own requests. And each with their own set of worries.

School: School starts the Tuesday after Labor Day. I am President of the PTA again, which has its own set of stressors. Gavin has outgrown all of his school clothes and uniforms!! So we have to replace all of that along with his shoes.

School, again: Then there’s Elliott Richard and pre-school. I’m trying desperately to get him into the Catholic School that is hosting his Day Camp. To get him in the way we had planned and hoped, would require something in the neighborhood of 60-80 hours of Community Service to Our School per school year. That’s for pre-school and kindergarten. But who am I kidding? There’s no way for us to be able to pull off that many hours of Community Service!!!!  Now there is a grant I can apply for to pay his tuition starting in 1st grade BUT if he is enrolled in the school (like I want him to be) for Kindergarten then we aren’t ineligible for the grant!!!!!

So yeah, there are about a million things swirling around inside my head at any given moment. I’m having dreams that my teeth fall out and sometimes they just start peeling apart inside my mouth. I dream that I have to go to the Psych-Ward because I’m so overwhelmed.

All the tennis balls called life that I’ve been working so diligently to keep in the air; are coming down, one at a time and they are konking me on the head on the way down.