I’m in a funk. Tonight there were 2 loud noises that sounded a lot like gunshots. I don’t know that they were gunshots – they just sounded like gunshots. Odds are they were fireworks since the 4th of July is right around the corner.

Either way, they put Miss Maggie Sue into a tizzy and then she just cowered on the couch with Rob and I. I was okay with that because I was worked into a tizzy myself. My heart was racing – I thought it would beat right out of my chest. I knew – logically – that I was safe and nothing could hurt me. Emotionally though, forget about it! I was terrified and on the verge of a panic attack.

I’ve been in this funk for a while now. My entire life I’ve struggled with depression. Of course, really, who can blame me with the life experiences I’ve had. But still, it’s hard.

It’s difficult to do much of anything at this point. I want to sleep all day – which by itself isn’t a huge change; I’ll give you that. But it’s a general feeling. Like I had posted on my Facebook page earlier:

Feels like she’s screaming in the middle of a crowded room and no one sees or hears me.

I have friends and family who love me. They support me and I know these things. I don’t feel them right now though.

I know I’m depressed. And stressed. And over-whelmed.

I know that it could be worse and there is an end – at some point – in sight.

I know that I would probably have an all-out massive panic attack/mental breakdown. If only, I weren’t so damn strong. If only I knew how to let go and give up – just a little bit. If only, I could stop thinking of others long enough to stop thinking period.

But I can’t do any of those things. I’m stuck here. Feeling drowned and alone. Hoarse from screaming where no one sees or hears me. Lonely and unloved because I know who reads this blog and will “hear me” but I also know who doesn’t read it. So they won’t know how I feel. They won’t know what I’m going through. And so I’ll be ignored and misunderstood again.

Because I can’t quit.

And I won’t speak up outside of these words on a blog lost in cyberspace.

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