It’s varied slightly ever since I was first diagnosed back in 2004-2005 but my psychologists believe I’ve had – undiagnosed and untreated – PTSD for most of my life.

There are times when life is okay and I almost forget that I have it. Then I’ll have a panic attack or nightmare and I remember.

Lately, I’ve been reminded of my diagnosis by the fact that all loud, sudden noises cause me to jump and my heart to skip a beat. Then I sit and I wait. Wait, for my heart rate to return to normal. Wait, to see what’s going to follow the noise, mostly.

Even though logically I know and fully and completely realize that Nick and I are divorced. That not only has the divorce been finalized for 8 years but the custody battle has been over for quite a few months. I know and realize that he can’t get me or hurt me, anymore. And yet, I can’t help but respond to things as if he’s lurking around every corner.

It’s exhausting and I’m not sure how long I can’t keep going like this – on top of everything else.

* posted on the fly w/o use of proper editing tools 😉 *

~ Lizzeann

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