I have many posts started at the moment. Posts about Emmett John and the ABR. Emmett John and the stairs. What happened at my appointment with Dr. C on Thursday. Many different posts started that need finished.

I haven’t finished any of them or started anything else because of one simple fact – I’m depressed.

I’m crushed. I’m depressed.

I could write a long post about what happened and why I feel this way. But I won’t. In stead, I’ll post the email that started everything. You can form your own opinions and if you’d like, post them here as comments.

Let me know what you think.

Let me know how you feel.

How I feel, my responses are in lavender. (Because apparently, I’m responding – even though I hadn’t intended to. Life’s funny that way. So is deep seated anger, hurt, depression and a broken heart.)

Date: Fri, 21 May 2010 08:01:43 -0700
From: *****@*****.com (email address blocked by me)
Subject: Lizze
To: Rob’s email address

For your information I gave Lizze all the medical information I had the first time she contacted me.

Oh no she most certainly did not. What she gave me in November 2000, was nothing. She said that “there wasn’t any family medical history to speak of”. When I asked about cancers she informed me that her mother passed away of lymphoma. That was it. The extent of our great family medical history.

My father was one of twelve. To the best of my knowledge, and it is the only knowledge I have, the predominant medical conditions were cancers in many forms and heart conditions.

“Cancers in many forms” well that certainly helps me to know which doctors to tell what now doesn’t it? Hey, Dr. D, I don’t know if breast cancer runs in my family but “cancers in many forms” does, does that help you out???

None of my nieces or nephews has any of the problems your boys seem to be suffering and no one has the problems Lizze has.

None of your nieces or nephews but your grandchildren do. So perhaps you could do some asking…oh, wait, can’t ask your siblings because then you would have tell them that I exist!!!!! Slippery little slope your walking there isn’t it?

Then of course we get to the “no one has the problems Lizze has” comment. Well, guess what???? My issues are tricky little things in that they happen to be GENETIC. Funny how that works, isn’t it? Let’s take a look shall we at the list of what I am currently diagnosed with and what they believe I have but are testing for:

  1. Fibromyalgia – Believed to be genetic but triggered by outside sources
  2. ADHD – Genetic
  3. Migraines – Run in families
  4. Familial Tremors – Run in families
  5. Narcoleptic – Genetic
  6. Neuropathy – Unknown

So, while I may be the only one that she’s willing to mention in this email as having any of these things, they are in fact genetic. Which means the likely hood that I alone have them, is pretty darn slim. If only I knew about my paternal side of the family. Perhaps that side of my family shares some of those diagnoses. We’ll get there…

I gave her all the medical information I had at the time of her birth concerning her sperm donor. I have not kept in touch with him per our agreement for my not having an abortion.

You know, over the past decade I’ve heard a few theories. Trisha and I have developed a few theories of our own as well. But this one, this “I have not kept in touch with him per our agreement for my not having an abortion.” theory – this one is new to me.

Ten years ago Mary told me this about my birth father:

He is Irish and tall. He’s intelligent, funny, good looking and so charming. He tried to join the military but he has a heart murmur so they wouldn’t take him. (I’m sorry. I was wrong before, that’s one more piece of family medical history she gave me.) He didn’t want anything to do with you and so I promised him that I wouldn’t tell you who he is. Last I heard, he moved to Florida a few years ago to care for his mother. But I haven’t spoken to him or heard about him since.

As you can see, nowhere in there does she mention abortion. Nowhere does she say, “I have not kept in touch with him, per our agreement for my not having an abortion.” I don’t know where that came from. I don’t understand who says that to someone.

Of course, this is the same woman who said that if she had to stop speaking to all of my siblings; Charissa, Mike, and Trisha, in order to be rid of me then she would. So it would appear, to me at least – and this being my blog my opinion is the only one that matters here, that she views all 4 of her children as rather disposable. Why she doesn’t like me. Why she hates me; your guess is as good as mine. I haven’t done anything to her – unless you count breathing and taking up space on Earth. Whatever it is I’ve done; she hates me – hard core.

After 30+ years perhaps things have changed medically for them as they have in my own family but I have no way of knowing that.

Gee, I wonder if things have changed in the past 30+ years? Lord knows they have for me. I certainly wasn’t born with any of the ailments listed above. Clearly I was born genetically predisposed to them but I was not suffering from them at birth. Here I am: 30 years later suffering from all of them.

Yes Mary, I would say that things can definitely change in 30+ years.

And if things have changed in your family, shouldn’t I know that stuff at the very least? You could pretend it was for Trisha, write it down and give it to her. If you can give me that information to fill in all of those empty holes. Give my doctors a better idea of where to look. Help to narrow the areas they search. Not to get me out of tests per sae just to narrow the areas of search. So they can better focus because they had more information and a better idea going in. I can’t give that to them. You can.

My decisions remain as they are and will remain so for the remainder of my life. I chose to give Lizze life rather than abort her. That is the bottom line.

Something I have and will always be grateful for. I know you didn’t have to carry me to term and then give me up for adoption. Those were difficult decisions you made – I recognize that and I thank you for making them. Just as I’ve thanked you before.

She is alive perhaps you can find a way to see that as a blessing.

Obviously, we see this as a blessing. Everyone in my life who loves me, sees this as a blessing. The tone of this statement…as if they would struggle to find a way to see it as a blessing.

I’m sorry for the inconvenience of her testing but many of us suffer the same way.

Okay, I’ve touched on this previously (up there) but in case you missed it, Mary, allow me to be Captain Obvious and state it for you again. It’s not about the inconvenience of the tests. It’s about having to have tests performed that maybe I could avoid if I had a full medical history, which would significantly help my doctors have a better idea of where to focus. That’s what it’s about.

I’ve seen it happen with loved ones before; medical history changes everything. It makes the difference between figuring out the diagnosis now and figuring it out a 3, 6, 9, 12 months from now. Knowing the information that you are keeping from me. Knowing the information that you refuse to help me attain because you are the only one who can help me.

Yes, you gave me up for adoption. Yes, you didn’t want a relationship. No wait, you did want a relationship. No wait, you really didn’t. Fine, you don’t. Regardless, You Are My Mother. Something in you should want to help me. Something somewhere within you shouldn’t want me to suffer. Too bad for me that piece of you is either missing or broken.

That is my response to Mary’s email to Rob. This is also the last you will hear from me about this situation. I’m not saying I won’t discuss my adoption, my feelings on adoption and things of that nature because I fully intend to discuss those things. But this particular situation, baring any unforeseen circumstances, I’m done devoting any more of my life to this. Period.