Its been a while since I’ve posted (sorry about that) but I felt like posting an I Don’t – Wednesday” today…and away we go!

I Don’t Wednesday #6: KetZchup

I Don’t … Know why I haven’t posted in so long.

I’ve started ketZchup posts but they are all so long and unfinished and the longer it takes me to finish them – the more behind I become. I hate being behind like this. So they are still waiting to be finished.

I Don’t … Know why I don’t just start from the here and now.

You know…Say, screw the postS waiting to be finished and move on. To Hell with those damn wanna-be posts!

I Don’t … Know why I just wrote that “I Don’t” because I do know.

I Don’t … move on because for starters, I’m suffering from some serious OCD. Secondly, someday I will publish this blog. Someday it will be added to the other journals I have that chronicle my life. And to cut those things out would be to remove large sections of my life.
As it is, I’m already not blogging HUGE, GINORMOUS parts of my life over the past 3 to 6 months because it has been made quite clear to me that if I chronicle those happenings:

A) I would be using MY BLOG against others. You know, because that’s why I started it. Revenge. Spite. Viva la Revolution! And all that jazz. *insert eye roll here*
B) I would be hiding behind MY BLOG even though the thoughts, feelings, expressions, etc that are/have been/would be covered (if I were to cover said taboo topics) have already been shared privately (via emails and a very few phone calls) with the parties involved. So I’m not hiding behind anything. But whatever.
C) I would be discussing other people’s lives and that isn’t right. Nor is it fair.
Now I have not had a single complaint about my blog from people – except for a few loons who felt that I was being unkind to my dead-beat-dad exhusband once upon a time. So I stand corrected – by myself – that I have had a few complaints over that past 2 years or so. That being said, in case it has escaped anyone, I tend to discuss other people’s lives on a pretty regular basis – when I can find time to blog that is. I discuss my own and those of my family (ie Rob, husband; Gavin, 9 year old son; Elliott Richard, 3 year old son; Emmett John, 17 month old son; Maggie Sue, nanny-dog; Cleo, cat). I discuss my sister, Trisha, my Mom, Mary. (See Mom, I’m posting again. lol) I discuss quite a few people. Yet no one else is screaming unfair. But don’t worry … I think I have come up with a way to discuss what I want without further pissing anyone else off. Hhhhhhmmmm……..I’ll have to think about that some more.

Anyway, I digress.

I Don’t … Believe how quickly the month of December is flying by!

I had it all planned out so that the boys could do our usual traditions – make ornaments, make Christmas gifts for Grandma & PaPa and now for Grandma Mary (who they are beyong super excited to include to the traditions this year!) etc. Plus there are Godparents to consider. Then while I get the gifts together for the 3 boys. I’m also putting together a group gift for the boys. Plus a few surprises. I’ve had it all figured out, planned out and ready to go on paper since mid-October.

I was so sure I had it all figured out. Then I forgot to take my Lyrica for 1 flipping day! Which has thrown me off by like 3 days! So I’m back to not being able to drive again; so unhelpful right now!

I Don’t … Know how to care for Gavin effectively all the time.

Sometimes its a breeze. Sometimes I see the damage others have done to him before the legal system finally got a clue. Before I finally got a clue. Sometimes that damage is more than I can deal with and I know that they knew what they were doing – whether they deny it now or not. Sometimes I wish for the chance to interrogate them about it, with the chance to only get honest answers and then smack them all silly in the end. Sometimes I wish for a winning Lotto ticket, too. None of those things is going to happen.

I Don’t … Know how to raise Gavin his way.

Elliott Richard his way. Emmett John his way. Without making any of them feel singled out. Without damaging any of them.

I Don’t … Know how to survive anymore.

Surviving is usually the only thing I know to do. It comes naturally. After a lifetime of various rings of my own personal hell. Surviving is as natural to me as breathing. Lately, I can’t seem to remember how.