You know how they say everyone has their breaking point? I am no exception to this rule. I just can’t tell if I have actually hit mine yet. I know that sounds weird but I have become so numb anymore I just can’t tell. I know at this exact moment I don’t think I can take anymore. I don’t mean that to be dramatic but I think if anything else happens I will just break. Not in a violent way but mentally break down. I already have a hard time even putting coherent thoughts together. I don’t remember anything anymore. No matter how much sleep I get it doesn’t feel restful and all I have anymore are nightmares.

Lizze is completely overwhelmed and in so much pain. Elliott is so stressed out he doesn’t sleep more then a few hours or less at a time. I feel like he is being robbed of his childhood. We cannot play outside because A) I don’t have any energy anymore and B) our neighborhood just keeps getting worse. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I know Lizze feels the same way. We don’t want to go outside because or some of our neighbors and we don’t want to be inside because Gavin is in there. I know that sounds terrible but he is so indescribably exhausting. I know its not his fault but it doesn’t lessen the impact his behaviors have on the rest of us. I slao know I probably sound like a scratched record but it is what it is.

I know I can speak for Lizze when I say we don’t want to give up on Gavin but I just don’t think we can do this much longer. I know that we won’t survive this long term. I know that.. No matter how much we keep pushing ourselves we just don’t have much left.
It’s like when you are working out with free weights. If you are doing some curls or even bench pressing you can only go for so long before you hit a fail point. No matter how bad you want to do that last rep you just physically can’t. That’s what it feels like.
I have to much to worry about right know to be able to cope at all. Here’s my top worries at the moment:

1) The pregnancy. I could of easily lost Lizze the last time and we almost lost Elliott. That is my worst fear.

2) Keeping Lizze out of jail. I know I said they cannot get away with this but never say never. After all this is our live we are talking about. Anything that can happen will happen, regardless of the odds. If we can fend this one off what will they do next? Because apparently our lives are complicated enough already.

3) How do we ensure the health, happiness and safety of Elliott and Tiny and how long can we keep it up. We also have to take care of ourselves but when? How do I keep my family from falling apart.

4) How do we all live together. Things are only going to get worse for Gavin once the baby gets here. Worse for Gavin means worse for us. More meltdowns and more violence.

5) How do we do all of this without making Gavin feel different (I know we don’t think he can perceive things like that but as his parents we assume he can) then the other kids. We don’t want him to feel unloved or unwanted but he has to be treated differently then the other kids.

6) How will we survive financially? Because I have no idea how we are going to pull that one off. Retirement? What’s that?

There it is. My current worries… All are very real. There are so many more but just listing these has made me sick to my stomach.

We need a miracle.. I am pretty sure that’s what it is going to take to get through this alive….

That’s my “completely overwhelmed, extremely stressed out and losing my mind” rant for today. I had to blow off a little steam…

Ok now the Lizze update. We had to go in to see Dr.D this afternoon because her contractions were getting really weird. They are 15 to 20 minutes apart but some were lasting 10 minutes. So we had to get checked out.. Same song different day. Nothing we can do but Tiny is doing great. We are almost 34 weeks so nothing will be stopped if she does officially start labor. So we are on edge because we really don’t know what is going on but we know it’s getting real close. I am sure Lizze will post more later.

Thanks

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