No, I did not have a nervous breakdown. Although, truthfully, I prayed for one all day yesterday. I prayed for the chance to breakdown. Shut down. Unplug. I was (and still am to some extent) so incredibly over-whelmed it is absolutely unreal to me.

I spend yesterday with absolutely no appetite and feeling as if I were on the verge of a panic attack (something I haven’t had it ages). I kept trying to “let go” just enough so that I could have the panic attack and get it over with. If you’ve had a panic attack (or many), then you understand what I’m talking about. The build up, the slow decent into the actual panic attack is far worse than the panic attack itself. My whole body feels as if it’s electrically charged. My heart feels like it is going to literally beat right out of my chest. It’s the whole fight or flight response. Only if I don’t have the actual panic attack, I never get the end result, which means I’m stuck in fight or flight. While some people may be adrenaline junks and always chasing that “high”, I am not one of those people. I prefer to be calm and laid back. (And yes, I realize that me preferring to be calm and laid back contradicts the fact that I have ADHD and am constantly on the go. But being “driven” by ADHD and being “driven” by adrenaline are two completely different things.) I spent a lot of yesterday crying. Mainly because I didn’t know what else to and because of the pain in my back.

Rob, bless his heart, tried so hard to distract me and help me. But there are times when I can’t be helped. No one can lead me through the “crap” but me. And I just wasn’t in the mood to wade through anymore crap. (Afterall, I have more than enough of that in my walls. 😉 lol) He put the window AC in our bedroom window. He went to the store for milk and juice and brought me home a rootbeer and some ice cream. He played “Bio Shock”. But I just didn’t want anything to do with any of it.

Then to rub some salt in my wounds, my satellite DVR box is fried. Julie and Susan will understand exactly what this means for me. My TV is my main source of sanity at the moment. (And let’s face it, sanity is something that seems to be slipping through my fingers at an alarming rate these days.) I have a DVR full of shows that I want to watch. Nothing doing. I can’t use any of the DVR features. I have to watch live TV. *shivers at the thought* (lol)

I love my life. I love my life. I love my life….

83 down ~ 52 to go

Advertisements