Okay, so I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. Let’s face it, I’m a thinker to begin with so I think way more than I should right out of the gate. Then you throw in the bed rest and there really isn’t much more for me to do besides think…a lot.

Anyway, one thing I’ve been thinking about is “Friendship”.

I love having friends. (Who doesn’t, right?) And I’ve been blessed enough to have a few true friends off and on my whole late teens/adult life. My best friend from high school, Amanda, said it best a few years when she described our friendship. She said that she’s always known we are true friends because even when we go years without seeing or talking to each other (my fault but that’s a long story), when we reconnect it’s as if no time has passed at all. I love her for her willingness and ability to forgive me.

Truth be told, and I’m sure some may disagree, I feel like I am a horrible friend. I don’t know why. I can only guess. There are some friend-things I always do. Then there are other friend-things that I am good at in the beginning but as time goes on, I down right suck. I will always be there for my friends to the best of my ability. It is not unusal for me drop everything to sit with a friend with a broken heart or drive where ever, when ever to help a friend out. As I’ve grown up and my own responsibilities have increased this has become more difficult to do. Back in the day, I would drop anything and everything to be where ever I was needed. That part I’m good at.

The phone calls. Emails. Remembering to mail birthday cards etc. I’m horrible at. I’m great at remembering the actual days. I’m even great at getting a card (since I make them lol) but I just seem to fall painfully short when it comes time to mail them.

I think that people take my…lack of enthusiasm over phones calls and whatnot as a lack of enthusiasm in the friendship. That honestly couldn’t be further from the truth. Part of it is that I go through moods where I want to talk on the phone all the time. Then there are moods when I will talk on the phone if I absolutely have to. Most of the time, I don’t like to talk on the phone (except to my Mom). I guess it’s kind of like I’m on contact overload after dealing with the boys all day. So when they are napping or down for the night, I just want to be left alone. To sit and do what I need to do or want to do without anyone demanding or needing my attention. Even Rob falls prey to this. I still consider you guys my friends, I just don’t talk to you very much. Which sound bad.

*sigh* I just don’t know. I miss my friends. I miss the days of being able to do special things for them. I feel guilty that my method of “doing special things for friends” has resorted to me leaving glitter messages on their MySpace pages or Facebook pages. I don’t like having to resort to these things, however, something is better than nothing, right?

What am I teaching my boys about friends and friendship? When I was growing up, my mom had this friend that was just suffocating. At least I thought she was. She would call and my mom would be on the phone for hours! Even though they had just had lunch together the day before so seriously how much could they possibly have to discuss? And I learned early on that I did not want that kind of friendship. I didn’t want to be the suffocating friend. Nor did I want to be the suffocated friend. Unfortunately, I never learned what that middle road was. I tried my whole childhood to find that middle ground. And I remember failing a lot along the way. But I don’t know that I ever figured it out.

So, someone please tell me, where that middle ground is! How do you be a great friend without loosing yourself in the process? I’m open to any and all opinions on this…seriously.

75 down ~ 60 to go

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