I am writing this simply to vent.

I am so tired and overwhelmed. I have gone as far as I think I can go. Very little I do ever seems to make any major impact on our family in a positive way. I don’t know what we are going to do in the coming months. I have a house on Monday but that is it for awhile. I get things here and there but nothing steady until later this spring. We just dug the foundation for the newest house so it will be about 2 months away. I get a few computers in for repair and some VHS tapes to convert to DVD and that helps both financially and emotionally. I love computers and working on them is an escape for me.

My medic card expired this week and I couldn’t even afford to renew that. I haven’t used it in a few years because of everything going on in our lives. I went to school 7 days a week for a year. I logged hundreds for clinical hours and have treated hundreds and hundreds of patients over the course of my short lived career. My ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) card is gone and I need 200 hrs of CE in order to renew my card. I just can’t justify spending $400 or $500 to recert something I will probably never use again. Being a medic was the only part of me left from my previous life (I know that might sound bad but it was the only way I could think of to describe it). I would give up anything for my family without hesitation. I think I’ll have to close that chapter of my life as well now. That makes me very sad…..

Nothing we do ever seems to help Gavin anymore. I know some of you can relate to us on that one. The school says they are seeing his hyperactivity decrease slightly but the anger and frustration are returning. Lizze got to go get a small (very well deserved) break last night. She went to visit her cousin who just had a baby.

She was only gone for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity. The kids were a struggle the whole time and I swear I was going to just lose my mind. Elliott kept giving me hugs and wanting me to re-start Lazytown. I have grown very unfond of Lazytown. Gavin kept melting down over everything or bringing me pictures of “Surgery Sonic”. And since I can hear everyone asking what “Surgery Sonic” is I’ll tell you. It is a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog (that Gavin has been drawing, even though we try our best to stop it) cut open right down the middle with all of his organs hanging out. He then makes a maze using Sonics intestines, blood vessels and various other internal body parts. Very, very creepy. Please God, Please let the medicine work a little sooner because I don’t know what to do with that stuff.

It is amazing how dependent Lizze and I have become on each other over the years. As a team we somehow survive each day. “Survive”, I guess that’s a great way to describe our lives right now. We are struggling to simply survive. We are living our lives second by second. There is no looking forward to anything because each day brings us yet another problem to add to the pile of already unmanageable problems… Together we seem to somehow find our why through the all the chaos. I take comfort in knowing she is there. I KNOW I would not be able to do this without her.

Poor Elliott doesn’t seem to know what to do with himself. He is obviously stressed and it breaks my heart to think his life is going to be anything like what we have endured. We haven’t even had a birthday party for Elliott because we can’t figure out how to handle Gavin and a small party at the same time. Tiny just seems to keep hanging on and we are so grateful for that. I live for the days we get to hear the heart beat. For that brief moment everything is ok. Everywhere we go Elliott is saying “Daddy,Daddy” over and over. I can’t explain to you what that feels like to hear that. The unconditional love of Elliott breathes life back into me and helps me to keep going through all the back pain and emotional turmoil. I hope someday I will be able to give my family the life they deserve. Not a perfect life but a life where we can all be together and happy and healthy.

Thanks for listening…

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