We had an ultrasound yesterday in the ER. I don’t remember if I mentioned the “band” they saw and at this point I don’t care to go back and look. Long story short, they saw a “band”. The band is medically referred to as “Amniotic Band Syndrome” feel free to look it up if you would like to be depressed with me. Basically, there is a band – sort of like a rubber band – stretching across my uterus. At this point, the baby is not caught up in the band and this is good. If the baby gets caught up in the band, any number of things could happen. The outcome ranges from nothing happens or the band breaks (best case scenario) to mild deformities (grooves in the skin) to serious deformities (webbed fingers and toes) to critical deformities (amputated hands, feet or limbs).

I am devastated at this very moment. Perhaps later, I will not be devastated. Right now, I am.

Just once in my life, I would like things to go smoothly. I would like to not have a life full of drama. Just once in my life, I would like to catch a break! And not like, “oh look, the baby didn’t lose her whole arm”! I want the band to break! I want my baby to come out perfect and on time! I want one blessed break in my life! Is that SO much to ask for? Honestly, is it?!

I keep hearing this little voice in my head “If he leads you to it, he’ll lead you through it.” But you know what?! I’m flipping tired of being led to it in the first darn place!!! Just once I’d like him to not lead me to it! I’d like him to steer me the other way and say “Nah, you know what, you’ve had enough so let’s try this way instead”. Just once I’d like the path I’m on, to not be the path of most resistance! I’d like to see what the path of least resistance is like! Just once. *sobs* Is that really so much to ask? People tell me that God must have great and wonderful things in store for us, what with all the Hell I’ve endured in my 27 years – specifically the past decade or so. I keep waiting to see just a glimpse of these wonderful things. I keep praying for my break. I keep maintaining faith that it’s coming. But you what, I’m not so sure anymore. I just don’t feel it anywhere near where I am and I don’t know how much longer I can hold out for it.

I’ve always had the genetic blood testing done during my pregnancies. I always told myself that it wouldn’t change anything. And you know what, it wouldn’t. In the end, when push comes to shove, it doesn’t change anything. But right now, in this very moment, it changed every moment of my life! Right now, it matters. Right now, I’m terrified of that test because of the other problems that are often linked to ABS. Right now, I don’t want to know. I don’t want ultrasounds every 2 weeks! I don’t want the terror of will she be caught or won’t she.

Right now, I just want to be left alone. If you love me, thank you. If you’re sorry, please don’t tell me so. I don’t want to hear about a friend of a friend. I don’t want to hear that it will be okay. I don’t want to talk at all and talking involves listening. Feel free to think I’m being a brat. Feel free to think I’m handling this poorly. Right now, I just need to…feel what I need to feel. If you’d like to leave a comment so I can read it when I’m in a better place, please do. If you’d like to pray that the band breaks, by all means! We could use all the extra prayer power we can get.

But please, for the love of God, if you decide to look ABS up on the Internet DO NOT SHARE WHAT YOU FOUND WITH ME!!!! I don’t care. I don’t want to know. I already read more than I should have. So please just keep your new found knowledge TO YOURSELF! Thanks.

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